...

I think that maybe the reason i am becoming an art historian (i feel partially entitled to this term now that i am a grad student) is because i wanted a way to say something without having to have anything to say. I have always loved to experience big emotions; i love to cry, i love to scream, i love to laugh and to love. But i think that I am really just a boring person. I am upper-middle class and have faced no hardship, i have no unique kinks or neuroses, i have not achieved religious trancendence and i am too lazy to try. There is no well within me from which to draw. So i look at and analyze and articulate and live within the details of someone elses emotional or artistic output. I spent 8 hours today writing about a Qur'an and felt stifled in doing so because i could not say all that i needed to say about it; once I have tapped into someone elses well, i become addicted to writing and feeling and producing, i want to unravel the endless mysteries of this beautiful manuscript and its unique charismatic and talismanic properties. But without something in front of me, I have nothing to say. This is probably why I have so much trouble maintaining a blog. I suspect this may also be why I have had such endless trouble pinning down a specialization, finding my "passion." Because there is nothing unique within me that connects to any one genre, medium, or historical period. I am just a sounding board who is in love with matching the frequency of whatever beautiful thing is in front of me, and thereby taking part of its magic. I know ultimately this means that i will never be great. I will never do or make anything significant because i do not have the internal complexity to do so. But I do feel so incredibly lucky that I am able to see and feel and hear these beautiful things and through them, if only every as a proxy, be connected to something that is truly excuisite. to feel something that is profound.