My brother is getting married in one week. Seven days. One week.
He is my only brother, my only sibling. We slept in the same room for the first five years of my life, in misaligned bunk beds. He was always hanging over me like a stone. I don’t really remember what he was like back then. He was just my brother. I remember him being loud and picky and going to bed early. He was always a little cranky.
Even though I can’t remember that period exactly, I know he was always the center of the universe. Not just mine but everyone's. It wasn’t something that was decided, or happened for any reason—he wasn’t sick or deformed or anything—we just couldn’t help it. He had, seemingly from birth, charisma. He was funny and loud, which sucked in most of your attention, and he was always the ringleader of all of the kids in our neighborhood. He made everyone get ripsticks so we could race up and down the block. He was always the best, and we were always chasing after him. Second best meant you were on his team, and the two of you could laugh at the losers together. But when we were all first learning, he was the one who would hold both our hands as we tried not to tip onto the asphalt. He always made all the rules, which were impossible to keep up with because he changed them every 5 minutes. But you couldn’t stop playing along because of how earnestly he always tried to teach them to you. He wanted more than anything to share his universe with someone, and you wanted to be there with him. It wasn’t his fault if you couldn't keep up.
He was violent with me as a kid, in the way that i think all older brothers are, if to a slightly exaggerated degree. He pinched and scratched and punched and bruised me. He held me down and made me eat dirt. He
In the middle of this sentence, I just got an email from my mom. My brother is married. He just got married. In a civil ceremony in a courthouse in Switzerland, or whatever the hell they do over there. My parents watched over FaceTime. I didn’t even know it was happening. And i realize now that trying to write this, trying to create some kind of textual representation of who he is that i can look at and read back and digest, is a stupid and impossible endeavor. Maybe because he is too complicated for me to explain, for anyone else to understand, but maybe more so because he is too far away for me to see anymore. As much as he was the center of my universe, I was never the center of his. He grew up and became someone that I am afraid of, and someone who has no interest in me. So unless I beg, I am not ever going to be close to him again. And I am in no mood to beg. I can not tell you who my brother is, because I don't know anymore, and I will never know again. His wedding is in seven days. I will be a bridesmaid. He just got married. He is my only brother. He always will be.